Things That are Awesome! (part1)

I'd like to start an ongoing thread. I'll call it Things That are Awesome! Like the title hints at, I will list things I find Awesome! . Sometimes I feel like there is a shortage of Awesome! in the world. These posts will serve as reminders that there aren't enough pairs of Crocs in the entire universe to take away all of the Awesome! in it.

Steak is Awesome! My apologies to any of my vegetarian or vegan friends, but few things in life give me the pleasure of gnawing on a hunk of cow. Mmmm cow.... I'm tired of being made to feel badly for enjoying meat. As a poet once said 'I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat a salad.' Amen to that.

Scantily Clad Women are Awesome! Here's another thing I won't apologize for: I like nearly naked women. Despite my earlier assertions, I'm not a chauvinist. I'm an admirer of God's handiwork. God may have made man in his image, but he perfected his work with women.

Not Waking Up Confused in a Different State is Awesome! Ever since I quit drinking, I don't have this problem anymore. Other things that are Awesome now that I don't drink: Not Peeing in Garbage Cans in the Middle of the Night is Awesome!, Not Leaving My Credit Card at the Bar is Awesome!, and Not Getting Thrown out of the House by my Wife Because I got Drunk Again is Awesome!

Guitar Solos are Awesome! Now that grunge has gone out of vogue, it is acceptable once again to throw a wicked solo into a song. Although the solos are awesome, I'm still on the fence with the long hair and tight leather pants.

Gangster Movies are Awesome! Marty Scorcese should be knighted or made a saint or something. His contributions to pop culture bring a tear of joy to my eye. A manly 'I enjoy violent gangster films' tear of joy.

28! or Things I Know

The other day I woke up and realized that I'm 28. It scared me. When my mom was my age, she was getting married for the 2nd time. She had a 7 year old kid. Lots of people I know that are my age are college educated with good jobs and families and houses. I still think of myself as a kid in my own head. It helps that I look like a kid and hang out with old guys all the time, but holy crap I'm an adult and I just realized it!!! I feel like I've been in a coma and just woke up. When I was a kid, 28 year old's were Big People. They were responsible and took care of business. Now that I'm a 28 year old, I realize that the 28 year old's of 20 years ago were clueless. They didn't know what was going to happen. I know this because I'm 28 now and I don't know what's going to happen. I think I knew more stuff when I was 19 than I know now. The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Here is a list of things I know:

* The government is always going to take their share from my paycheck. If I get a $2,000 a year raise, I know that I will really only get a $1,500 raise.

* I can't drink alcohol normally. I've been in an ambulance so many times, they should give me a punch card so I can get my next ride free.

* Change is the only constant. I believe it was a wise prophet who once said 'The more things change, the more they stay the same'. ( A wise prophet, or the singer of the band Cinderella. I forget which one)

* It is virtually impossible to shout something in public and sound intelligent. If you doubt this, I challenge you to go into a mall and shout something you feel sounds smart. 'A squared plus B squared equals C squared' sounds no more intelligent than 'Hey everybody, check out the rack on that Betty over there!' when spoken at top volume. Trust me on this.

* There are certain things you never bring up around other people unless you want a fight. Here are a few: religion, politics, and the size of someone's butt and how it may or may not look in a pair of jeans (note: this mainly applies when speaking to women).

I think that's pretty much it. On a parallel note, here are things I know about women:

* _

Now that I think about it, though, maybe that's why girls like guys that are self confident. Girls don't have any more idea what's going to happen than I do. They want someone that seems to know what's going to happen. Nobody really knows, though. That's one thing that I do know.

The List

My wife Katie and I have a running joke going. From what I understand, the joke we have ongoing is a fairly common thing. The joke is an agreement of sorts. A list. Our joke is this: If you could have a get out of jail free card to sleep with 10 people, who would be on your list? For this little game, we have some unspoken ground rules.

1) We both understand this game is a joke. We don't really get to sleep with anybody and have it be okay. Neither of us are Andre Kirilenko. While we are both okay joking about it, I'm pretty sure even if Brad Pitt seduced my wife it would be a deal breaker for me (as I say it, though, I just think to myself 'Man if you're in that spot, Katie, just go for it. I'll get over it in time....')

2) The people on the list have to be people that we don't know. If I put Katie's best friend on my list, I somehow think the joke would be over. And after all, the point of this exercise is to laugh. (I also think you can learn a lot about a person by the type of person they are interested in).

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, here is my list:



1) Jennifer Harman







Who, you ask, is Jennifer Harman? She is arguably the best female poker player on the planet. Some guys go for a big rack, other guys are ass men. I’ll take a girl that shares my interests any day of the week. Just look at her sitting there with all those chips in front of her. Just thinking about her check raising me in a pot makes me want to reconsider how much of a joke this list is.

2) Alison Krauss

Back to the category of attractive women with serious talent, Alison qualifies. She can rock the fiddle as well as belt out a tune. Plus, I may be wrong, but I get the impression that this girl could just as easily cook me a nice dinner at home on a Saturday night. Don’t judge me. It’s my list. If I want a girl to cook for me in my fantasies, let me be. Which brings me to #3:

3) Rachel Ray

Yum-O. I’m not quite sure where to start. Okay, yes I am. This chick is HOT! She’s talented, she’s rich, and if I’m hungry she can feed me in a half an hour. Mmmm…. Food……

4) Jenna Fischer (Pam from the Office)

Okay, so I met my wife at work. I have experience with the office hottie. Pam, er I mean Jenna, qualifies. She’s funny and can relate to me at the end of the day. Awesome. Which brings us to number 5:

5) Jennifer Connelly

Ms. Connelly qualifies for a number of reasons. She’s an Academy Award winning actress. From what I’ve read about her, she seems to be pretty thinky. I likes me some thinky women. You all can take your Pamela Anderson’s and other Playboy centerfolds. I’ll take me a girl I can have a conversation with. Some of the things we could talk about? What it was like being handpicked by famed director Sergio Leone at the age of 13 to be in his gangster epic ‘Once Upon A Time In America’ starring Robert Deniro, James Woods, and Joe Pesci. Or maybe we can talk about her portrayal of an addict slipping into oblivion in the indie film ‘Requiem For A Dream’. The same movie I shamelessly stole the title from for my first 20 or so posts….

6) Ellen Page

Continuing the trend of intelligent women (or at least women who can ACT intelligent), number 6 is Ellen Page. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. This quote of hers sums it up for me “Anyone who gets me is really lucky because I'm not really crazy about jewelry or flowers

." A low maintenance hottie. Enough said.

7) Halle Berry

I know very little about Halle. I know she’s a great actress that has won an Academy Award and I know she’s hot. That’s enough for her to make my list, though.

8) Norah Jones

Norah, Norah, Norah. From her angelic voice to her fantastic ability to finger the ivories, it’s easy to overlook the fact that she is gorgeous. Surely Katie couldn’t fault me for this pick. I’m not so sure that Norah wouldn’t be on Katie’s list…

9) Jamie Lynn Sigler

Meadow Soprano. When hot girls and gangster flicks come together, Jamie Lynn is the result. God bless America and our obsession with the counter culture.

10) Jessica Alba

Let me think. Jessica Alba seduces me. Can I think of any scenario where I can say no?…. …. ….. Nope, I guess not. For that reason, she makes the list.

So that’s my list. It’s always changing as I get new hobbies and find new hot chicks that share those hobbies. I was thinking the last couple of days about adding Belinda Carlise, but I couldn't decide who had to go. So, sorry Belinda. Maybe you'll make the next list. Does anybody else out there have a list? Anybody who thinks Katie should kick me to the curb? Feel free to comment.

Chauvinist? I think not.

Going back the last 60 years or so, it seems that each new generation is a little more open minded than the last. The beatnik generation (50's), the hippies (60's), the bra burners (70's), the gen x'ers (late 70's - mid 80's), then the P.C. era (90's). As the years went by, thinking slowly progressed away from the patriarchal led family unit to the era of equality for all. According to a friend of mine the progressive trend of each generation being more accepting than the last is finally over. The buck stops with me. Last night a friend called me a chauvinist. This friend is twice my age. Coming from someone of a different generation it made me laugh. I think he had misunderstood my tone from the conversation we were having and not realized I was joking; but the idea of me being a chauvinist is hilarious to me. My mother is a borderline femnazi. In the house I grew up in, the men did most of the cooking and cleaning. I am as effeminate as straight men come. If my friend Cameron is 49% gay, then I am 49.5%...

At issue was an article I read on CNN regarding a new trend among young couples with no children to have one member of the couple stay home during the day without a job. In the article, all of the examples given were of women staying home while their husbands worked. I was telling my friends about this article and how it struck me as misleading. With no children, I couldn't understand what there was to do at home all day. The article listed things like doing laundry one day, deep cleaning the house another day, shopping another, etc. I was thinking to myself 'How much laundry do 2 people use' and 'how dirty is a house with 2 people and no kids anyways?'. I thought it was misleading, because it seemed to me that laziness was being disguised behind.....feminism? The pros for this situation were listed as that there was less stress on the person working and on their relationship because they didn't have to worry about errands and making dinner after a long day at work. Those in favor of this setup said that it wasn't sexist because the feminists of the 60's and 70's weren't fighting for the woman's right to work, but for the right of the woman to choose if she wanted to work or not. It's a valid argument. I'm curious if those bra burning feminists would be inclined to agree, but all of that is beside the point. I was telling my friends last night that because I saw it as laziness, if my wife were the one staying home I would expect her to clean and cook dinner for me. This was where my friend interjected by calling me a chauvinist. I stand by my point, though. For a relationship to be equal, both partners have to bring things to the table. If a person (man or woman) isn't working or raising kids, they've got to be doing something to be equal in the relationship. If they aren't handling responsibilities financially or maternally, does what they bring to the table equal what the hard working member of the relationship brings? The last time I was in a relationship where I didn't have to work or take care of kids was when I was living with my parents. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that. And at those times, I am being LAZY.

Because my friend thinks I'm a chauvinist, I figure I might as well act the part. Here are a few things the new chavinist me thinks:

*Beating Women: A while ago a friend of mine was asking if I ever just wanted to beat a woman. The new chauvinist me says Hell Yes! Woman today are just too full of opinions. 'I think I'm equal' 'Women are people, too'.... Whatever. Women today just don't have fear in them. I think a good beating would put that fear back in them. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing; you've already told her twice. What do 50,000 battered women in the US each year have in common? They just don't listen. Last Christmas my wife asked for a new watch. I told her she didn't need a watch: there is a clock on the stove. If God didn't want a woman to make my dinner, he wouldn't have made women's feet smaller to stand closer to the stove.

*Beating Children: The new chauvinist me says why should children be excluded from the beatings? When I have kids I'm going to keep a knee length tube sock around. At different times, I'll fill it with billiard cue balls and nails. When my kid steps out of line, WHAM! upside the head. The cue balls will do more immediate damage, but the nails will cause infection. Either way, my kid will learn that the only happy child is a silent child.

*Women Voting: Chauvinist LT says that women will be too busy cooking steak for me and cleaning my house to be wasting time with things like voting. If God wanted women to have opinions, he would have made them men.

If you can think of anything I may be missing, please feel free to comment.

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Keep On Rolling!

I've been told by some people that I'm a very angry person. I'll admit that I'm pretty good at getting upset. I'm one of those people who is not assertive. I smile and nod and slowly get angrier and angrier until I snap. Not 'going postal' snapping; more like 'that kid forgot to take his medicine' snapping. I notice more people with raised eyebrows when I lose my temper than people running for cover. I also have an exaggerated sense of fairness. If I feel that something is not fair, I am more likely to go from sweet kid to unbalanced lunatic in no time flat. So to sum things up, I know that I'm good at being angry.

What I'm even better at than BEING angry, though, is manipulating other people into becoming angry at me. I'm sure I've developed this skill throughout my life, but I'm so good at it I think I was just born with the ability to royally piss people off. I don't even have to bring up religion or politics. For that matter, I don't even have to say that many words. I just have an invisible sign that says 'Angry people apply here'. An aura, if you will. With all of this in mind, I want to tell you a story....


It was the fourth of July last year. Katie and I were going to be lighting fireworks with her brother Nate, his girlfriend Nicole, Nicole's mom, and my mother in law. We were over at Nicole's mom's house. We showed up while it was still light. We ate some burgers and dogs, enjoyed some good conversation, and eventually it was time for the light show. Katie and I had stopped by a local fireworks stand on our way over, but not Nate. No, Nate was not satisfied with roman candles that merely flung sparks while laying on the ground or flowers spinning centimeters from the ground. He wanted the real deal. In order to buy the Real McCoy, though, it required that he go out of state. This was in the days when gas was not $4.15 a gallon, so Nate thought nothing of driving to Wyoming to purchase the illicit pyrotechnics. He would have made any adolescent boy proud with his ambition.

As we gathered in the street, we could hear the hullabaloo of nearby families happily enjoying the fireworks and each other's company. We started small. We lit some of the lesser fizgigs purchased by Katie and I. Soon, though, the desire for flames soaring through the sky overcame us and we started lighting Nate's contributions. If you've ever seen the lighting of the Christmas tree on the Garfield Christmas Special, you would know how we appeared as we stared into the sky with glee. And so it was, that staring into the sky I heard a low methodical humming noise. It took me a while to register, but eventually it grew louder. When I realized the noise was getting closer, I looked around. And like a cowboy slowly meandering into the light of a fire, a vision slowly became apparent. That vision was a 75 year old man in a wheelchair. And not just any 75 year old man riding a Jazzy. This handicap parker had taken upon himself a noble goal. His goal was to rid his neighborhood of the riff raff and criminal activity that had plagued it for too long. So coming into the light, he firmly told us that we were done lighting our illicit goods. As I started to light one of our ground locked firecrackers, I told the good sir not to worry; we were almost done firing off our wares. On the side of righteousness, he told me that he didn't care if we were almost done or not. We, he told us, were done firing firecrackers.

As he was talking, he was slowly moving towards me. I had a firecracker in one hand and a lit match in the other. I warned him that I was lighting a 100% legal firecracker. Seeing that I was telling the truth and he had saved his suburb from lawlessness, he turned to go. Then it was that I uttered the words that have haunted me each and every day from that one to this: 'That's right. Keep on rolling, old man."

The mechanical whirring stopped then started again as he slowly maneuvered the Jazzy back towards me. I realized that I had made a grievous error. My intrinsic ability to cause anger in others had struck again. As Katie told me 'Troy, stop!' and my mother-in-law reminded me to 'Respect your elders', I stood my ground against the aggrieved neighborhood watchman. By now the match I had lit to start my firework was out. I stood there with an extinguished match in one hand and a lifeless flower in the other. Captain Jazzy came to a stop inches from me and asked me a thought provoking question. 'Do you want to fight?' he asked. But before I could answer or even ponder the invitation, he followed the offer with 'Just because I'm in a wheelchair, don't think I won't fight you.' Considering his first offer withdrawn, I felt it impolite not to say anything. 'I'm not going to fight you' I said. We were like gunslingers standing (except that one of us was sitting). Each waiting for the other to make a move. Eventually, my non walking friend put his wheelchair back into motion. The threat having passed, I lit another match and started my firework. Since that incident, nary a day goes by without my battle cry being thrown back at me by a friend or family member: 'Keep On Rolling'

1 Year! - Disclaimer

Today I celebrated 1 year sober. It only took me five and a half years to get here!

Over the last couple of months I've taken the time to write about some of my experiences in getting sober. When I started out, I was going to stay completely anonymous. I didn't want to make anyone around me uncomfortable by knowing some of the sordid details of my past. The feedback that I was getting was pretty positive, though, and I slowly moved away from being anonymous. Eventually I posted a picture and with that ended the question of anonymity. I even told my mom that I was writing about what happened in a public forum. I sent her the link and waited anxiously for her to give feedback. I heard from her last Thursday and she surprised me. She said that she was proud of me for staying sober and sharing my experience. My mom has been clean for over 3 years now. She said that she felt ashamed reading the parts that she was in, but that she has come to terms with what happened. My mom is a really cool woman. I said it before, but I'll say it again: My mom has always tried to take care of me the best way that she knows how. I'm proud of her that she can acknowledge that she feels badly for what happened, but accept that it is in the past and move on. She is a strong woman and I'm grateful to have her be a part of my life.

There are other members of my family that perhaps will not react as well as my mother to me 'putting it all out there'. If I have offended anyone or offend anyone in the future, I hope that they can forgive me. It isn't my intention to embarrass anyone or to be any more vulgar than necessary. I can only explain it like this: in the book that the 12 step fellowships are based on, it says 'we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it'. Everything that I've done and gone through in my life has lead me to the point where I am now. The good times and the bad. If I hadn't smoked crack with my mother or gone through tough times with my wife, I would not be the person that I am today. And like it or not, I am who I am. I wanted to write this stuff down so I could remember who I am and where I've been. Time has a way of changing my memories so that small things become bigger and big things become smaller. I want to remember how I got here. Because if I ever forget, I am doomed to go back. As far as doing it in such a public manner, maybe I have a little exhibitionist in me. I've always been the guy to show you the new song I learned on the guitar. Look at this as my new song. In a selfish note, I was reminded of a lot of things in trying to get most of the details. It wasn't always easy to write. In fact, sometimes it was painful and humiliating. It has been helpful to me, though. I find that I am quicker to share my experience with a friend in recovery. I'm more comfortable with who I am. In that way, I am a better asset to those friends of mine trudging the road of sobriety. I hope that readers will be willing to sacrifice a certain comfort level with me in exchange for my improved assistance with other alcoholics. And work with other alcoholics will help keep me sober.

So Thank You to anyone reading. Thank you for taking the time to read. Even if it was only because you enjoyed reading this like you enjoy a good train wreck: you just can't look away. (I'm not too proud. Attention is attention, right?) I hope you'll check back from time to time to hear the new song I'm working on.

Full Circle (Requiem 23)

In March, after being sober for nearly 7 months, Katie and I went on another cruise. We looked forward to the 12 step meetings on the ship. That first day we showed up for a meeting, only to find nobody around. After consulting the agenda provided by the cruise company, we realized we were in the wrong part of the boat. Getting to where we were supposed to be, we found just 2 people around. It turns out they were a couple from Kansas City (Don and Leah). Despite the fact that Katie was not an alcoholic, Don and Leah allowed her to sit in the meetings we had. During the whole cruise, nobody else showed up to the meetings. The four of us wound up sitting by each other at dinner and spending a lot of time together.They had 2 kids with them on the cruise, a high school aged son and a junior high school aged daughter. One night, the son was out partying on the ship. His newly found friends brought him back to his cabin wasted and passed out in a wheelchair. Don was having a hard time the next day. Although he was about 19 years sober, he was powerless to help his son. He asked me if I wouldn't mind talking to his son as an alcoholic '12th stepping' a potential alcoholic.

In recovery, there are a few simple things that are suggested in order to maintain continuous sobriety. Getting a sponsor, going to meetings, and working the 12 steps are a few of these suggestions. The steps can be broken down into this: after getting honest with ourselves, we trust God, clean house, and help others. Most people know that the first step is admitting you have a problem. This is partially true. The second part of the first step is that we have lost power managing our own lives. Essentially, we have a problem and we can no longer manage our problem or any other part of our lives. Steps 2 and 3 are where we realize that something outside of ourselves can keep us sober and help us get a little sanity back. We then ask that entity to keep us sober. Most people call this being a Higher Power or God, although not everybody believes in God. Nor is it necessary to believe in God to stay sober. Steps 4 through 9 are about cleaning house. We take a look at ourselves honestly. We write down our faults and tell another person. We then become willing to move past these faults and ask God to help us. From there we list the people we have harmed and make amends to them. This doesn't mean apologize to them. Most alcoholics have made a career out of apologizing for things we've done when drunk. Amends is about making things right. Once we have attempted to make things right from our pasts, we continue looking at ourselves on a daily basis to make sure that we aren't making the same mistakes over and over like we used to. We continue to try to get closer to God, as we understand him. The last step is to help other alcoholics stay sober. Some people like to view the steps as more circular than linear. In other words, once we get done with the 12th step, we start over again at one. It's a continual process. You never 'graduate'. You don't regain the ability to drink like a normal person. This is a simplified version of the steps, but hopefully you get the gist of the program.

A '12th step call' or '12 stepping' someone is basically just talking to an alcoholic (or potential alcoholic) to find out if they want help and if they want help then offering it to them. Don was asking me to talk to his son about whether or not he had a problem. Typically when someone asks us to talk to a friend or relative, the main question is 'Do they want to get sober'. Through my experiences I've learned quite well that you really have to want to be sober in order to stay sober. I can't get or keep someone else sober. So when someone asks me to call on a friend or relative of theirs to help them, I typically offer my phone number. If that person truly wants help, they will call. And from experience, I've never had someone call me in that situation. Being stuck on a ship was a little out of the norm, though, so I decided I would at least take an hour and talk to Don's son (Justin).

After dinner that night, I took a walk around the ship with Justin. I could tell right away that he wasn't interested in sobering up. We finished the walk and called it a night. The rest of the cruise was a good time. Although I wasn't able to help Justin, it got me thinking about how good it felt trying to help someone else. Even if Justin didn't stay sober, I did. When I got back from the cruise, I spoke to Kim about my experience. I had been questioning whether or not I said the right thing or what. He reminded me that when someone really wants to get sober, you can't say the wrong thing.

About a month later after a meeting, I was talking to some friends when Kim called me over. He was talking to a guy. He asked me if I knew the guy. I said I did. He said to the guy, 'This is your sponsor' signalling me. He looked me and said 'talk to him a little bit' and walked off. And with that I found myself someone else's sponsor. I was pretty nervous about the whole situation, but if my sponsor was asking me to do something I wasn't going to say no. Here was a newcomer to recovery. If anybody knew something about being a newcomer in recovery, it was me. I had spent the previous 5 years getting drunk and sobering up, ad nauseum. If there was one thing I could help this guy with, it was introducing him around in meetings and helping him feel comfortable. We would get together once a week and hang out for an hour before going to meetings as we slowly got comfortable around one another. 3 months later, and the guy has been sober for over 90 days.

In a sense, I have come full circle. Once doomed to a life of drinking and drugs, I now am sober and helping other people stay sober. As I learn to deal with the day to day struggles in my own life, I am constantly amazed by the realization of how far I have come. I'm a kid who wasn't supposed to live to see 2. My family life is untraditional to say the least. I've seen the inside of more rehabs and psych wards than most people I have ever heard of. During one 3 and a half year stretch, I spend a total of 6 months inpatient. That doesn't include the 5 plus months of being in a recovery home. I am not supposed to be here. I have a wife who has stuck by me even at times when she couldn't stand me. People used to tell me how lucky I was to be alive. I'm starting to believe them.