The Big Day Approaches (Requiem 14)

At the hospital with my rock star friend and Caylee, I had to make a choice about telling Katie's father what was going on with me. I was really not looking forward to it, but Katie was having to constantly explain that I wasn't available for this or that and she was tired of it. So I called my soon to be father in law. He answered the phone and almost the first thing out of his mouth was 'Why does my caller ID say you are calling from University Hospital'. Nothing got by this guy. I spared him most of the gory details, but I let him know that I was an alcoholic and I wanted to get it under control before I married his daughter. He seemed to handle it pretty well. I think I may have gained a little respect from him. As much respect as admitting you're a drunk and need help can get you. After I finished detoxing, I went to another facility called Journey. On the way between University Hospital and Journey, I managed to stop by a store and buy a bottle of cough medicine. I downed the whole thing so that when I showed up and they did my intake, my vital signs were pretty out of whack. I had to cop to using on the way between hospitals. Katie was flabbergasted.

Time and time again I used. Just the thought of never being able to drink or use again caused me to WANT to drink and use. You hear a lot about 'one day at a time' in meetings. It's a great slogan, but for me it stayed a slogan. I just couldn't seem to grasp the idea of not worrying about drinking tomorrow. At this point, I wasn't drinking as a social lubricant. I wasn't partying or having a good time. I didn't even really want to drink. But once the idea got in my head, I couldn't seem to get it out. I was obsessed. That's the only way I can really explain getting high in the hour between leaving one hospital and entering another.

Journey was somewhat unique. Besides the usual 12 steps, they took a somewhat holistic approach. They didn't serve any red meat, incorporated a new age philosophy book, and once a month had a native american sweat lodge. I had a hard time with the food, but I loved the sweat lodge. With the sweat lodge, I really felt connected to God. Off and on through my life I've had a hard time with religion and spirituality, so I enjoy any time I feel particularly close to God. Even if it's doing something I would not normally do.

I grew up with no religion in my house. Both mom and step dad had been raised in different religions (mormon and catholic respectively). They weren't religious people. I was antireligious until I was 18 when I did an about face and was baptised into the predominant religion here in Utah. I went to church for a while, but I didn't seem to find what I was looking for. I think the initial euphoria I got when I finally admitted to myself I believed there was a god eventually subsided. My pink cloud burst you might say. I learned that there was a difference between religion and spirituality. It was possible to be religious without being spiritual and vica versa. As I understand it, religion is a social thing. It's a bunch of people getting together and practicing the rituals that they understand connect them to their god. Spirituality on the other hand is all about you and what you believe in. Other people don't come into the mix. If you have a good connection to your god, you are spiritual.

When my 28 days were up, I coined out. (most graduation ceremonies in rehab involve getting a commemorative coin. You spend thousands of dollars at their facility and at the end of your stay you get a coin, a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous, a pat on the back, and this advice: go to 12 step meetings. I could have saved thousands by buying a $5 dollar book and going to meetings. I only wish I hadn't been through rehab so many times before this finally sunk in) That night I went out and ate the biggest steak I could get my hands on.

That was the end of May of 2005. Our wedding was scheduled for October. So we began the preparations for the wedding as I once again set out to put together some time sober. About a week out of Journey I went to a meeting and heard a guy share that I related to. I asked him to be my sponsor. His plate was full so he passed me off on one of his sponsees. Once again I had a sponsor. I started calling him and he suggested I come with him to his home group. A home group in a 12 step program is a meeting you go to regularly. The idea is that you can get to know some people pretty well and they can get to know you. So if you are a little bit off one day, they will notice and talk to you about it. His home group was for both alcoholics and their spouses. Katie was game to go try it out, so we went. It was a Tuesday night group at a government building. It was a little weird because it was the first time I had to sign in with a cop in order to go to a meeting. Despite having to quasi-surrender in order to get in, we liked the meeting. We found couples in recovery. I saw guys who had over 20 years sober. Katie saw girls who put up with those guys. If we were going to make this marriage work, we were going to need something like this. So we made that group our home group and went back most weeks.

Time flew by and pretty soon I had 90 days sober. Then 4 months. The wedding was right around the corner, I was about 5 months sober and things were really cruising. The biggest roadblocks had to do with the wedding planning. Even though Katie took care of everything for the most part, I got sick of the constant talk of the wedding. I tried to be a good sport, but I failed. At some point my soon to be father in law pulled me aside and said something like 'Look. I know this is a lot of fuss. Let me give you some advice. Just let her have the wedding. Do what she asks and it will go a lot smoother. Trust me on this'. In the end, he was right. I still wish I could have had the powder blue tux, though.