Thursday, August 28, 2008

Things That are Awesome! (part1)

I'd like to start an ongoing thread. I'll call it Things That are Awesome! Like the title hints at, I will list things I find Awesome! . Sometimes I feel like there is a shortage of Awesome! in the world. These posts will serve as reminders that there aren't enough pairs of Crocs in the entire universe to take away all of the Awesome! in it.

Steak is Awesome! My apologies to any of my vegetarian or vegan friends, but few things in life give me the pleasure of gnawing on a hunk of cow. Mmmm cow.... I'm tired of being made to feel badly for enjoying meat. As a poet once said 'I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to eat a salad.' Amen to that.

Scantily Clad Women are Awesome! Here's another thing I won't apologize for: I like nearly naked women. Despite my earlier assertions, I'm not a chauvinist. I'm an admirer of God's handiwork. God may have made man in his image, but he perfected his work with women.

Not Waking Up Confused in a Different State is Awesome! Ever since I quit drinking, I don't have this problem anymore. Other things that are Awesome now that I don't drink: Not Peeing in Garbage Cans in the Middle of the Night is Awesome!, Not Leaving My Credit Card at the Bar is Awesome!, and Not Getting Thrown out of the House by my Wife Because I got Drunk Again is Awesome!

Guitar Solos are Awesome! Now that grunge has gone out of vogue, it is acceptable once again to throw a wicked solo into a song. Although the solos are awesome, I'm still on the fence with the long hair and tight leather pants.

Gangster Movies are Awesome! Marty Scorcese should be knighted or made a saint or something. His contributions to pop culture bring a tear of joy to my eye. A manly 'I enjoy violent gangster films' tear of joy.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

28! or Things I Know

The other day I woke up and realized that I'm 28. It scared me. When my mom was my age, she was getting married for the 2nd time. She had a 7 year old kid. Lots of people I know that are my age are college educated with good jobs and families and houses. I still think of myself as a kid in my own head. It helps that I look like a kid and hang out with old guys all the time, but holy crap I'm an adult and I just realized it!!! I feel like I've been in a coma and just woke up. When I was a kid, 28 year old's were Big People. They were responsible and took care of business. Now that I'm a 28 year old, I realize that the 28 year old's of 20 years ago were clueless. They didn't know what was going to happen. I know this because I'm 28 now and I don't know what's going to happen. I think I knew more stuff when I was 19 than I know now. The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. Here is a list of things I know:

* The government is always going to take their share from my paycheck. If I get a $2,000 a year raise, I know that I will really only get a $1,500 raise.

* I can't drink alcohol normally. I've been in an ambulance so many times, they should give me a punch card so I can get my next ride free.

* Change is the only constant. I believe it was a wise prophet who once said 'The more things change, the more they stay the same'. ( A wise prophet, or the singer of the band Cinderella. I forget which one)

* It is virtually impossible to shout something in public and sound intelligent. If you doubt this, I challenge you to go into a mall and shout something you feel sounds smart. 'A squared plus B squared equals C squared' sounds no more intelligent than 'Hey everybody, check out the rack on that Betty over there!' when spoken at top volume. Trust me on this.

* There are certain things you never bring up around other people unless you want a fight. Here are a few: religion, politics, and the size of someone's butt and how it may or may not look in a pair of jeans (note: this mainly applies when speaking to women).

I think that's pretty much it. On a parallel note, here are things I know about women:

* _

Now that I think about it, though, maybe that's why girls like guys that are self confident. Girls don't have any more idea what's going to happen than I do. They want someone that seems to know what's going to happen. Nobody really knows, though. That's one thing that I do know.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The List

My wife Katie and I have a running joke going. From what I understand, the joke we have ongoing is a fairly common thing. The joke is an agreement of sorts. A list. Our joke is this: If you could have a get out of jail free card to sleep with 10 people, who would be on your list? For this little game, we have some unspoken ground rules.

1) We both understand this game is a joke. We don't really get to sleep with anybody and have it be okay. Neither of us are Andre Kirilenko. While we are both okay joking about it, I'm pretty sure even if Brad Pitt seduced my wife it would be a deal breaker for me (as I say it, though, I just think to myself 'Man if you're in that spot, Katie, just go for it. I'll get over it in time....')

2) The people on the list have to be people that we don't know. If I put Katie's best friend on my list, I somehow think the joke would be over. And after all, the point of this exercise is to laugh. (I also think you can learn a lot about a person by the type of person they are interested in).

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, here is my list:

1) Jennifer Harman

Who, you ask, is Jennifer Harman? She is arguably the best female poker player on the planet. Some guys go for a big rack, other guys are ass men. I’ll take a girl that shares my interests any day of the week. Just look at her sitting there with all those chips in front of her. Just thinking about her check raising me in a pot makes me want to reconsider how much of a joke this list is.

2) Alison Krauss

Back to the category of attractive women with serious talent, Alison qualifies. She can rock the fiddle as well as belt out a tune. Plus, I may be wrong, but I get the impression that this girl could just as easily cook me a nice dinner at home on a Saturday night. Don’t judge me. It’s my list. If I want a girl to cook for me in my fantasies, let me be. Which brings me to #3:

3) Rachel Ray

Yum-O. I’m not quite sure where to start. Okay, yes I am. This chick is HOT! She’s talented, she’s rich, and if I’m hungry she can feed me in a half an hour. Mmmm…. Food……

4) Jenna Fischer (Pam from the Office)

Okay, so I met my wife at work. I have experience with the office hottie. Pam, er I mean Jenna, qualifies. She’s funny and can relate to me at the end of the day. Awesome. Which brings us to number 5:

5) Jennifer Connelly

Ms. Connelly qualifies for a number of reasons. She’s an Academy Award winning actress. From what I’ve read about her, she seems to be pretty thinky. I likes me some thinky women. You all can take your Pamela Anderson’s and other Playboy centerfolds. I’ll take me a girl I can have a conversation with. Some of the things we could talk about? What it was like being handpicked by famed director Sergio Leone at the age of 13 to be in his gangster epic ‘Once Upon A Time In America’ starring Robert Deniro, James Woods, and Joe Pesci. Or maybe we can talk about her portrayal of an addict slipping into oblivion in the indie film ‘Requiem For A Dream’. The same movie I shamelessly stole the title from for my first 20 or so posts….

6) Ellen Page

Continuing the trend of intelligent women (or at least women who can ACT intelligent), number 6 is Ellen Page. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. This quote of hers sums it up for me “Anyone who gets me is really lucky because I'm not really crazy about jewelry or flowers

." A low maintenance hottie. Enough said.

7) Halle Berry

I know very little about Halle. I know she’s a great actress that has won an Academy Award and I know she’s hot. That’s enough for her to make my list, though.

8) Norah Jones

Norah, Norah, Norah. From her angelic voice to her fantastic ability to finger the ivories, it’s easy to overlook the fact that she is gorgeous. Surely Katie couldn’t fault me for this pick. I’m not so sure that Norah wouldn’t be on Katie’s list…

9) Jamie Lynn Sigler

Meadow Soprano. When hot girls and gangster flicks come together, Jamie Lynn is the result. God bless America and our obsession with the counter culture.

10) Jessica Alba

Let me think. Jessica Alba seduces me. Can I think of any scenario where I can say no?…. …. ….. Nope, I guess not. For that reason, she makes the list.

So that’s my list. It’s always changing as I get new hobbies and find new hot chicks that share those hobbies. I was thinking the last couple of days about adding Belinda Carlise, but I couldn't decide who had to go. So, sorry Belinda. Maybe you'll make the next list. Does anybody else out there have a list? Anybody who thinks Katie should kick me to the curb? Feel free to comment.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Chauvinist? I think not.

Going back the last 60 years or so, it seems that each new generation is a little more open minded than the last. The beatnik generation (50's), the hippies (60's), the bra burners (70's), the gen x'ers (late 70's - mid 80's), then the P.C. era (90's). As the years went by, thinking slowly progressed away from the patriarchal led family unit to the era of equality for all. According to a friend of mine the progressive trend of each generation being more accepting than the last is finally over. The buck stops with me. Last night a friend called me a chauvinist. This friend is twice my age. Coming from someone of a different generation it made me laugh. I think he had misunderstood my tone from the conversation we were having and not realized I was joking; but the idea of me being a chauvinist is hilarious to me. My mother is a borderline femnazi. In the house I grew up in, the men did most of the cooking and cleaning. I am as effeminate as straight men come. If my friend Cameron is 49% gay, then I am 49.5%...

At issue was an article I read on CNN regarding a new trend among young couples with no children to have one member of the couple stay home during the day without a job. In the article, all of the examples given were of women staying home while their husbands worked. I was telling my friends about this article and how it struck me as misleading. With no children, I couldn't understand what there was to do at home all day. The article listed things like doing laundry one day, deep cleaning the house another day, shopping another, etc. I was thinking to myself 'How much laundry do 2 people use' and 'how dirty is a house with 2 people and no kids anyways?'. I thought it was misleading, because it seemed to me that laziness was being disguised behind.....feminism? The pros for this situation were listed as that there was less stress on the person working and on their relationship because they didn't have to worry about errands and making dinner after a long day at work. Those in favor of this setup said that it wasn't sexist because the feminists of the 60's and 70's weren't fighting for the woman's right to work, but for the right of the woman to choose if she wanted to work or not. It's a valid argument. I'm curious if those bra burning feminists would be inclined to agree, but all of that is beside the point. I was telling my friends last night that because I saw it as laziness, if my wife were the one staying home I would expect her to clean and cook dinner for me. This was where my friend interjected by calling me a chauvinist. I stand by my point, though. For a relationship to be equal, both partners have to bring things to the table. If a person (man or woman) isn't working or raising kids, they've got to be doing something to be equal in the relationship. If they aren't handling responsibilities financially or maternally, does what they bring to the table equal what the hard working member of the relationship brings? The last time I was in a relationship where I didn't have to work or take care of kids was when I was living with my parents. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that. And at those times, I am being LAZY.

Because my friend thinks I'm a chauvinist, I figure I might as well act the part. Here are a few things the new chavinist me thinks:

*Beating Women: A while ago a friend of mine was asking if I ever just wanted to beat a woman. The new chauvinist me says Hell Yes! Woman today are just too full of opinions. 'I think I'm equal' 'Women are people, too'.... Whatever. Women today just don't have fear in them. I think a good beating would put that fear back in them. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing; you've already told her twice. What do 50,000 battered women in the US each year have in common? They just don't listen. Last Christmas my wife asked for a new watch. I told her she didn't need a watch: there is a clock on the stove. If God didn't want a woman to make my dinner, he wouldn't have made women's feet smaller to stand closer to the stove.

*Beating Children: The new chauvinist me says why should children be excluded from the beatings? When I have kids I'm going to keep a knee length tube sock around. At different times, I'll fill it with billiard cue balls and nails. When my kid steps out of line, WHAM! upside the head. The cue balls will do more immediate damage, but the nails will cause infection. Either way, my kid will learn that the only happy child is a silent child.

*Women Voting: Chauvinist LT says that women will be too busy cooking steak for me and cleaning my house to be wasting time with things like voting. If God wanted women to have opinions, he would have made them men.

If you can think of anything I may be missing, please feel free to comment.

Disclaimer: Before sending hate mail, please click here