Telling on myself

So I've been struggling for the last couple of weeks. The color has gone out of the world for me. I find it hard to get excited about anything. Katie and I put an offer in on a house. That should be exciting for me, but I feel nonplussed about the whole deal. If we get it, okay. If we don't, okay.

When I was younger and still drinking and doing coke I felt terrific highs and catastrophic lows. Often in the same day. Right after I finally stopped doing all of that, the mood swings were tough to deal with without the aid of alcohol and drugs. I went on antidepressants for a few years to level out the swings and repair the damage that the years of drinking and smoking crack did to the dopamine centers in my brain. Of course I was drinking and using here and there while I was taking those antidepressants so they weren't as effective as they could have been. I eventually got off the meds and learned to deal with the ups and downs. And those ups and downs leveled off in time.

Lately, though, I feel as though I've flatlined. No ups, no downs. So the good news is that my mood has been stable. The bad news is that I'm sick of feeling this way. An alcoholic who wants to feel differently is in a dangerous spot. Because I know EXACTLY how to feel differently. Feeling differently isn't worth losing a marriage to me, though. And that's what would happen. So I'm telling on myself. My thinking is suspect the last couple of weeks. I've thought about drinking more than I have in the nearly 16 months of sobriety. I'm going to meetings and meeting with my sponsees. I'm talking to my sponsor, and all the while I'm thinking about drinking.

I understand that even thinking about drinking is a form of insanity. Why would someone who has been through what I have ever even consider drinking again? There are a lot of answers to that question. One is that I am nuts. I'm okay with being nuts. It doesn't bother me. The more practical answer is that I've got complacent. I've allowed myself to slip back into doing the things that keep me sober just so I can put a mental check next to my mental list. Meetings. Check. Talk to sponsor. Check. I have failed to enlarge my spiritual life as they say in the rooms. And I'm paying the price.

So what am I going to do about it? After talking to my sponsor about it, it's pretty clear what I have to do. Keep working on making my amends. Keep going to meetings. Don't panic and don't run. And remember that to a large extent my feelings are unimportant. You guys don't judge me by my thoughts or my feelings. You judge me by my actions. That last one is really tough sometimes because feelings and emotions can be really overwhelming at times. They always pass, though. Good or bad. And this too shall pass...