Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Patterns - A novel


As an alcoholic I do things over and over again by definition. Taking a drink and waking up in a different state... causing dumb arguments with my wife and others.... I could increase the list ad infinitum. There are 2 things going on in my life today that are glaring examples of this. The first is something that has been happening in one form or another in my life for as far back as I can remember. I don't get along well with others. That's not to say that I don't get along with ANYONE. It's usually just 1 person. And it's usually a person I work with. At different times in my life since I started working at 15, there is usually 1 person that I seem incapable of getting along peacefully with. It's usually a person that I may be able to be friends with in different circumstances.

Right now, I'm causing myself a lot of grief because I can't seem to let go of resentment towards a person I work with. Or to put it another way, I'd love about 15 minutes alone in a room with this person with impunity. This is a person that manages to come in 30 minutes late, take an hour and 15 minute lunch, and can still manage to throw in 3 or 4 20 minute breaks in one 8 hour period. So when this person today interrupted my work to add a few hours worth of work for me that they didn't want to do I lost my cool. The underlying character defect that jumps out at me is this: I don't deal with frustration straight away. When something is bothering me I just sort of ignore it. Until, that is, I snap. When that happens I've been known to put my job and safety in jeopardy. As a consequence I'm known as a very angry person. Probably because I have years of this behavior stored up. If the average person is at a 1 or a 2 on the frustration chart at any given time, I'm at a 7 or 8. It takes very little to put me up over the 10 mark. And then I blow up. And although this causes a lot of confrontations, I am not a confrontational person at my core. I am a fearful person. I avoid confrontation. The funny thing is that if I was more assertive, I could avoid 90% of the confrontations I get into. It's my very cowardice that causes me to get into situations I fear. What do I fear? Uncomfortable situations in general. That you won't like me. Again, though, I could avoid most of these if I was more assertive.

So anyways, the other situation is one that goes back a few years. I think I've written about how I caught my mom cheating on my step-dad. It was really traumatic and the decisions I made in the aftermath have caused my life to go in a completely different direction than it might have. About 4 years ago my mom and dad started dating again. (note: when I say dating, I mean sleeping together and practically living together. This is the definition of 'dating' in my family) It was really weird. I know most other people are used to seeing both of their parents living under one roof, but I definitely wasn't. When that relationship sort of fizzled again, I was almost relieved. When my mom mentioned that she was seeing the guy that she cheated on my step dad with, though, it wasn't just weird. This is the same guy that helped to create so much pain in my family 10 years ago. To say nothing of the pain that it caused his family; because he was (and is still) married with children too. When my mom told me she was seeing this guy again, she told me he was married still. I think she told me as a way to prove that nothing serious was going on between them. It did just the opposite. I was thinking 'Mom, what the hell? Did you not learn 10 years ago?' She even arranged for this guy to show up when my mom and I were out doing some Christmas shopping. I could ignore it until this guy was shaking my hand, a sheepish look on his face.

So where am I going with all this? I'm talking about patterns here. And to be more specific MY patterns. I'm tired of getting into the same fight over and over with people. To stop doing that, I need to change my pattern of not dealing with things. That is going to mean that I will be uncomfortable a lot. I think I am willing to accept that if it means I will avoid these dumb situations. I came to this conclusion while talking to my mom on the phone today. I decided to ask my mom about this guy she is seeing. I told her how it is bringing back a lot of painful memories and feelings for me. I also told her that if she planned on continuing to see this guy and ultimately wanted acceptance from my sister and I, she was facing an uphill battle. When the conversation ended, I felt strangely exhilarated. Like I was in uncharted territory. I hope this place is somewhere I get to know very well.

4 comments:

Just Me said...

Good job, Troy! I'm actually like you where I tend to hold things in until they boil over. I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs- but then it because an even bigger issue when I explode.

I think it's great that you are seeing how your behaviors end up with said explosion. Just knowing is a place to start, correct?

LT said...

Admitting the problem is definitely the first step. And while I'd love to agree with you, if there's one thing I've learned it's this: Self knowledge availed me nothing. I knew I was an alcoholic for years before I stopped drinking and using drugs. For me it's all about action. Most of the time I change my action and THEN my attitude changes.

So the bottom line is that, while it's helpful to know a problem exists, it's more helpful to take action in removing the problem.

Katie M. said...

Good for you, babe!! That has got to be hard telling her how you feel. I am really bad at that, I don't want to step on toes or have that person get mad at me. But, it is all part of being assertive.

Just a thought, maybe you should express yourself this way with the girl at work?

elbie said...

hope you don't mind me spying on your page.. i'm following officially as of today.