Two Thieves In The Night (Requiem 16)

One of the biggest dangers in trying to stay sober is not being honest with yourself. My sponsor tells me 'You can lie to other people, you can even lie to me, but DON'T lie to yourself'. There is a tendency to sugarcoat the truth. I'm not 'drinking', I'm 'relaxing'. I'm not 'lying', I'm just 'leaving things out'. At the same time, there is this idea that our pasts go from our biggest liability to our biggest asset. For example, I went in and out of rehab facilities for years. I felt ashamed and embarassed about this. When I finally sobered up, though, I turned into an example for others in the same boat: "I, too, went in and out of hospitals for years. I managed to get through it, and I'm sober now." I am uniquely qualified to help certain people that others might not be able to simply because of what I've done and been through.

In the vein of being honest with myself and my past can become my biggest asset, I have to look honestly at the things I did and my motive for doing them. It would be easy to say that I did what I did because I was in pain and wanted to get out of feeling that pain. If I said that, though, it would be dishonest and I wouldn't be taking responsibility for my actions. The fact is that no matter what was going on around me at the time, I saw an opportunity and took advantage of that fact.

While we were on our cruise, my father in law had some tests done to find out about some persistant back pain. The results came back and they pointed towards cancer. (A few days after we got back, he got a call confirming that he had cancer. A few minutes later he got a call telling him they had made a mistake. I'm not sure if it was a lab mix up or if someone misread the results, but they told him they had made a mistake and that he did not have cancer. A few days later they called him back a third time and said that once again they had made a mistake and he indeed had cancer. Whatever happened in that doctors office, it seems cruel to put a man through that series of ups and downs) Everyone in the family was really upset, but they tried to stay optimistic. Me more than any of them because I had been through cancer and lived to tell about it. They worked out a treatment plan of weekly radiation with periodic chemotherapy treatments. They put him on some vitamins and medications to help his body offset the effects of the cancer and it's treatment. During the next month and especially after his first dose of chemo, he grew progressively weaker and weaker. With the stuff they had him on, he was more emotional than Katie or I had ever seen him. It was really hard to watch. Still, though, I maintained my stubborn optimism. It was as though I couldn't even consider that he might not get better. Katie was worried sick, so I wanted to show her that she didn't need to be afraid.

Around the middle of April, he was so weak they decided to put him in the hospital to build his strength back up. One day I was over at my in laws' house and saw his bottles of medicine sitting there. Without thinking, I popped open a couple of the bottles of pain pills and took a few. My father in law was in the hospital and wasn't using THESE pills, I reasoned. We visited her father in the hospital about that time. He was obviously feeling the effects of what was going on with his body, but he maintained his sense of humor. Even though he was running a pretty high fever one day, he still managed to smile at Katie and say 'It's hot'. This was an inside joke between them. A few days later I went back for more pills. Then one day at work, Katie got a call from her mom saying they had moved her dad to ICU. We left work that day and went to the hospital. They had sedated her dad and had inserted a breathing tube. It was a tough thing to see. While we were visiting him, one of Katie's cousins who was a nurse showed up. She said that she thought it was the end, so we should call up Katie's siblings to come home. I made the call to Katie's sister. I was a mess and could barely speak. I told her she needed to come home and quick. She flew in a few hours later. Since I had first started taking them, I was high on Katie's dad's pills pretty much all the time. That day was no exception.

Katie stayed at the hospital with her mom and sister until pretty late. She got back and we prepared to go to bed. We got a call saying it was the end, so come back. We got to the hospital and spent the next two hours at his bedside. When the end came, there were doctors all over. Doctors doing CPR, doctors doing emergency dialysis, doctors watching. They had pulled a curtain, but Katie's mom and I were at one end looking in on all of this going on. When they called the time of death, it was surreal. I kept thinking 'what just happened?'. Then one by one, the doctors went away until there was just family. Katie had a panic attack for a moment, but the rest of us were mainly just silent. We were just waiting for someone to come claim the body. In the midst of this, it occurred to me that he wasn't going to need those pain pills now. So I left before everyone else, went back to his house, and stole most of the pills he had remaining. That was April 26th, 2006. One year to the day from when I checked into Journey.

* * *

A week or two after the funeral, Katie and I were at her mom's house. Katie was talking to her mom and I was reading a newspaper. Katie's mom says to Katie 'Somebody stole all your dad's pills. I think it was your brothers' friend ******'. I tried to remain calm. I had only a day or two before told Katie that I had taken the pills.

When I am in active addiction, I will do and say things that I never would do or say while sober. I had stolen medicine from a dying man. My wife's father. Neither was this the first time I had stolen pills from a dying relative. I looked at the person my mother in law was accusing. This was a person that I hadn't met. I only knew this person as someone that had a history with Katie and was a friend of her brother. I had the chance to let him take the blame. But Katie would have known, and more importantly I would have known. And for all of my failings, I couldn't let that happen.

I waited a few days and then went and talked to Katie's mom. She listened to me, asked a few questions, and then thanked me for telling her. I wished she would yell at me or throw things. That would have been easier than the kindness she treated me with. It is one of the low spots of my life. That day, I went emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.