Full Circle (Requiem 23)

In March, after being sober for nearly 7 months, Katie and I went on another cruise. We looked forward to the 12 step meetings on the ship. That first day we showed up for a meeting, only to find nobody around. After consulting the agenda provided by the cruise company, we realized we were in the wrong part of the boat. Getting to where we were supposed to be, we found just 2 people around. It turns out they were a couple from Kansas City (Don and Leah). Despite the fact that Katie was not an alcoholic, Don and Leah allowed her to sit in the meetings we had. During the whole cruise, nobody else showed up to the meetings. The four of us wound up sitting by each other at dinner and spending a lot of time together.They had 2 kids with them on the cruise, a high school aged son and a junior high school aged daughter. One night, the son was out partying on the ship. His newly found friends brought him back to his cabin wasted and passed out in a wheelchair. Don was having a hard time the next day. Although he was about 19 years sober, he was powerless to help his son. He asked me if I wouldn't mind talking to his son as an alcoholic '12th stepping' a potential alcoholic.

In recovery, there are a few simple things that are suggested in order to maintain continuous sobriety. Getting a sponsor, going to meetings, and working the 12 steps are a few of these suggestions. The steps can be broken down into this: after getting honest with ourselves, we trust God, clean house, and help others. Most people know that the first step is admitting you have a problem. This is partially true. The second part of the first step is that we have lost power managing our own lives. Essentially, we have a problem and we can no longer manage our problem or any other part of our lives. Steps 2 and 3 are where we realize that something outside of ourselves can keep us sober and help us get a little sanity back. We then ask that entity to keep us sober. Most people call this being a Higher Power or God, although not everybody believes in God. Nor is it necessary to believe in God to stay sober. Steps 4 through 9 are about cleaning house. We take a look at ourselves honestly. We write down our faults and tell another person. We then become willing to move past these faults and ask God to help us. From there we list the people we have harmed and make amends to them. This doesn't mean apologize to them. Most alcoholics have made a career out of apologizing for things we've done when drunk. Amends is about making things right. Once we have attempted to make things right from our pasts, we continue looking at ourselves on a daily basis to make sure that we aren't making the same mistakes over and over like we used to. We continue to try to get closer to God, as we understand him. The last step is to help other alcoholics stay sober. Some people like to view the steps as more circular than linear. In other words, once we get done with the 12th step, we start over again at one. It's a continual process. You never 'graduate'. You don't regain the ability to drink like a normal person. This is a simplified version of the steps, but hopefully you get the gist of the program.

A '12th step call' or '12 stepping' someone is basically just talking to an alcoholic (or potential alcoholic) to find out if they want help and if they want help then offering it to them. Don was asking me to talk to his son about whether or not he had a problem. Typically when someone asks us to talk to a friend or relative, the main question is 'Do they want to get sober'. Through my experiences I've learned quite well that you really have to want to be sober in order to stay sober. I can't get or keep someone else sober. So when someone asks me to call on a friend or relative of theirs to help them, I typically offer my phone number. If that person truly wants help, they will call. And from experience, I've never had someone call me in that situation. Being stuck on a ship was a little out of the norm, though, so I decided I would at least take an hour and talk to Don's son (Justin).

After dinner that night, I took a walk around the ship with Justin. I could tell right away that he wasn't interested in sobering up. We finished the walk and called it a night. The rest of the cruise was a good time. Although I wasn't able to help Justin, it got me thinking about how good it felt trying to help someone else. Even if Justin didn't stay sober, I did. When I got back from the cruise, I spoke to Kim about my experience. I had been questioning whether or not I said the right thing or what. He reminded me that when someone really wants to get sober, you can't say the wrong thing.

About a month later after a meeting, I was talking to some friends when Kim called me over. He was talking to a guy. He asked me if I knew the guy. I said I did. He said to the guy, 'This is your sponsor' signalling me. He looked me and said 'talk to him a little bit' and walked off. And with that I found myself someone else's sponsor. I was pretty nervous about the whole situation, but if my sponsor was asking me to do something I wasn't going to say no. Here was a newcomer to recovery. If anybody knew something about being a newcomer in recovery, it was me. I had spent the previous 5 years getting drunk and sobering up, ad nauseum. If there was one thing I could help this guy with, it was introducing him around in meetings and helping him feel comfortable. We would get together once a week and hang out for an hour before going to meetings as we slowly got comfortable around one another. 3 months later, and the guy has been sober for over 90 days.

In a sense, I have come full circle. Once doomed to a life of drinking and drugs, I now am sober and helping other people stay sober. As I learn to deal with the day to day struggles in my own life, I am constantly amazed by the realization of how far I have come. I'm a kid who wasn't supposed to live to see 2. My family life is untraditional to say the least. I've seen the inside of more rehabs and psych wards than most people I have ever heard of. During one 3 and a half year stretch, I spend a total of 6 months inpatient. That doesn't include the 5 plus months of being in a recovery home. I am not supposed to be here. I have a wife who has stuck by me even at times when she couldn't stand me. People used to tell me how lucky I was to be alive. I'm starting to believe them.