I can imagine there are some people who are asking themselves 'What makes this time any different than the last 10?'. To them, I say that I can't really say. Leaving Wendover that day, I didn't think it was any different than any other time I'd drank (other than the fact that I stayed out there rather than getting an ambulance ride back). For the first few months of sobriety, I played along not really thinking I was going to stay sober. At some point in the last year, though, I realized that my desire to stay sober is a lot stronger than my desire to drink.
The day after my painful drive back from Wendover, I showed up at Kim's house to play the guitar. We jammed for an hour or so and started packing up again. As I was leaving, he asked me how I was doing. Reflexively, I told him I was good. Things were fine. As he looked at me (seemingly through me), I realized that I wasn't fine at all. I clarified and said that I had relapsed during the week, but that I was fine.
This is one of those mysterious lines that people in meetings always laugh out loud at. I was 1 day sober and trying to bring myself across as fine. To a guy that can spot a lying alcoholic from across the room. It was the equivalent of pretending that you know all about medicine - to a doctor.
To Kim's credit, he didn't call my bluff. He just asked me if I would be interested in reading from the book that our fellowship is based on with him after band practice each week. I told him that I was absolutely interested. In retrospect, I realize he must have had something like this in mind all along. The guy invites me over to his house to play guitar during the time he meets with sponsees. He knows I've been bouncing in and out of sobriety for years. I like to tell people that I was tricked into staying sober. Thank God for that.
The next Saturday I showed up. We jammed for an hour downstairs at his house. Then we came upstairs and I was introduced into his Serenity Room. It was a study just off of the front door of his house. It was a smallish room that could have doubled as a shrink's office. There was a couch and a chair in it. There were two end tables on either side of each piece of furniture and a coffee table in front of them. On one side of the room was two bookshelves filled with different kinds of books: classics, popular modern fiction, and different books of recovery. On the wall were various antiquated bar signs. "Free Beer (tomorrow only)" "Sober Up" There were books lying on the coffee table and the chair. This was a room that was used frequently. I sat down on the couch, he sat down in the chair, and then he changed into a different person altogether. Gone was the laid back drummer. In his place was a no nonsense, take charge version of Kim. He told me how it was. He said that he had helped hundreds of men get and stay sober the way he was shown by his sponsor. He said that of all the men he had taken through the book, he knew of only one or two that were not currently sober. He said that he didn't want me to waste his time. He wanted me to make a commitment to show up each week on time and if I did he would help me to stay sober. Of everything he told me, the thing that stuck with me the most was that he had taken hundreds of guys through the book and almost all of them were sober. Hope slowly leaked back into my life.
That's not to say that my life got any better right away. I was still the same angry person I had been. Katie was still at the end of her rope with me. I was somewhat surprised she didn't throw me out after my last drink. Things were tense between us and came to a head about 2 weeks after I sobered up. We went camping with one of her brothers and his girlfriend. From the start I was belligerent. I was upset that she picked an awful campsite. I wanted to go back home. I didn't go with them to the lake when they went. We went for one night, but in that time I managed to embarrass Katie severely. During the drive home the next day I was angry and driving like a maniac. If the camping didn't make up her mind, the driving the next day sealed the deal. I was out. I stayed the night home that night, but the next day I packed a couple of bags and made my way back over to my grandmas house.
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3 comments:
Uh... recently haven't you had some threats on your life at work because your "the same angry person." It seems like sobriety has little to do with the anger thing.
Why don't you come say that to my face? :) j/k
You've got a point, though. Drinking allowed me to not have to deal with things like anger. The last year has had it's ups and downs as I've tried to learn to deal with it. My sponsor tells me 'God help me from running my mouth'. Most of the time I keep it in check. On a couple of memorable occasions, I haven't. I think I'll let Katie be the judge of how I've done with the anger.
It's true! He doesn't get as angry. It has been a blessing :) The times he does get angry, he realizes it and is back to being cute little Troy in no time. He doesn't tell me I suck for picking out bad campsites anymore either!!
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