I May Need Counseling After This

This weekend Katie and I went with some friends to a local comedy club to see Marcus. We went out to dinner before the show and were among the first to get in the club an hour before the show was to start. While Katie and most of the others went in, I stayed behind to smoke a cigar with my buddy Jared. When we finally made it in, I found out that we were on the first row. And they had left the spot closest to the middle of the stage for me. A bad feeling hit me as I sat down, and as it turns out it was not unfounded.

The warm up comedians mainly stuck to their own material and didn't pick on the crowd too much. When Marcus got up there, he started off with his own material. As he got warmed up, though, pretty soon he was interacting with the crowd. At one point a cell phone went off. He went into the audience, took the phone, and hid it on top of a speaker on stage. When one lady was laughing obnoxiously, he mercilessly made fun of her saying 'Somewhere there is a horny dolphin wondering where that noise is coming from'. Yikes! Shortly after this, Marcus was grabbing a drink of water. I took the opportunity to stifle a yawn, except that he turned and saw me doing it. I knew I was in for it at that point. I was wearing some glasses, and he asks me 'You like TV, don't you specs?' I nodded yes and he went on with his routine. I breathed a sigh of relief thinking that I was off the hook. Maybe that was his plan.

He was setting up a joke about David Bowie's...lack of underpants in the movie The Labyrinth. He started it by talking about movies and 80's movies in particular. When he got to the point where he was joking about David Bowie flapping in the breeze like a flag in a storm, he hung the microphone around his waist and started bouncing it back and forth between his legs. We were all laughing when I realized he was coming for me.... As he climbed my chair and started bouncing the phallic microphone about my head and shoulders I tried to shrink away. There was nowhere to hide, though. My face was about 2 inches from his junk and I kept thinking it would end any second, but he kept going. At some point the joke turned into how long he could make me uncomfortable. The answer, for me, was FAR too long. All things considered, I thought I was a pretty good sport about it. I think I've learned my lesson with sitting in the front row and daring to yawn.... Here we are - post molestation.