This will probably be boring for most people. This blog has been tough at times, but for the most part a fun way to vent. For those friends and family that are interested in where I am right now, this is the answer:
I'm now into my 20th month of continuous sobriety. 20 months seemed like such a long time to me: until I got it. If a non-alcoholic sees a person who drinks and always seems to get in trouble, it seems logical and obvious that if the person stops drinking things will get better. Some of the more obvious problems (hospitals, jails, etc) do go away at first with just not drinking. From experience, I can tell you that they will always come back unless the alcoholic can find a way to deal with things differently.
At 18 months sober, I found myself the very same person I was when I started - sans booze. All the same fears, the same ways of dealing with things. Even the same results (witness my last post). How tough it is to hear from your sponsor 'You're suffering from untreated alcoholism'. He said the same thing to me 36 hours hours after my last drink. My excuse then was that I had a drinking problem. What's my excuse now? I haven't had a drink in over a year and a half. It's safe to say that drinking is not my problem. Living life sober is my problem. I won't say it's all been for nothing: all the meetings I've done and all the work this time around has kept me sober long enough to become willing to completely surrender myself to staying sober. For the last week and a half, I've been going to a meeting every day. I've been calling my sponsor every day. I've been praying every day. I talk to other alcoholics every day and still work with a guy or two. My willingness now extends to losing sleep: I've been catching a 6:30 am meeting this week. The first couple of days have been really hard, but it has been paying off. Starting my day off in willingness and recovery has made this the best week I've had in some time.
This is where the rubber meets the road for me. I am a good mimic and can talk a good game. When it comes down to it, though, only my actions will show how much I really believe this program can help me. I think I've caught some people by surprise. Myself included. Katie has already commented on being surprised I was willing to get up early. I wasn't a guy that was willing to go to a meeting a day. Look what that got me. I don't have to be too hard on myself, because I'm showing a willingness to stay sober I didn't know I had. For that reason this whole experience has been a good one for me.
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In the past I've written about not being able to have kids naturally. When the denial and anger subsided, I was left with shame and hurt pride. Sometimes situations force us to be bigger than we really are. This is one for me. Despite the tough emotions that still sometimes arise, Katie and I have moved forward in the process to becoming parents. Together we chose a donor online (man, you really can buy ANYTHING on the internet...) and a couple of weeks ago I accompanied her to the doctor for the first insemination. I joked with some people that I wanted to be there so I could say I was there with my wife when she got pregnant. The truth was that I wasn't sure I wanted to be there at all. I felt like I could almost handle having children this way, but having to be there would just be too much. In the end, the responsibility I felt as a husband and potential father outweighed the shame I felt at being inadequate. I think this is the definition of being an adult. It was made tougher when it turns out the nurse doing the procedure was a friend of Katie's and someone who I'd been to dinner with before. My humbling was made complete when the nurse mentioned she'd told another friend of Katie's that we were trying to have kids this way. A friend that Katie has somewhat of a history with and I've had trouble accepting because of it. For Katie it was comforting to go through the procedure with a friend. For me it felt like another test to be endured.
Despite my feeling to the contrary, we both made it through the first procedure. Chances are that this won't be the last insemination before Katie gets pregnant, so I'll get another opportunity to stay humble. I hope that it gets easier.
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4 comments:
man, you're a tough guy, troy. i don't know how you'd feel about this, but i have a doctor that might be able to help you with issues other than alchoholism. she's the first doc i've seen in over 12 years that has really made a difference. just let me know.. and kudos for being so open with yourself and others.
I LOVE the way that you open yourself up and share so much with us readers. It makes me feel like I'm in on the secret of your thoughts. Thank you for that honesty.
From my own personal experiences, alcohol only makes personality traits extreme. Whether it be good or bad in that moment, it's magnified. I always have those character traits in me and am able to control them (mostly) without alcohol. We are still mostly those people. Staying sober doesn't change the basic person that we are.
And good on your for being supportive of Katie and your future child! I think it's great, Troy. And it IS your child. Yours and Katie's. Not faceless internet guy. YOURS.
Troy, humility is a rare quality and one that has to be developed over time. But realizing you have weaknesses is a good first step. Not a lot of people have the guts to do that. Keep praying -- we will pray for you, too. (And Katie, and the "baby").
Troy, You truly amaze me. Brandice is so right about humility. It surprises me that there are many people out there that think humility shows you are weak, but I think it is a trait of incredible stregnth. I'm so excited for you and Katie. What an exciting, crazy, and I'm sure extremely scary new venture, but you two are amazing and will be awesome parents!!
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